Commitment

I’ve been inattentive to this blog since I’ve moved here to Hawaii. I apologize. This afternoon, I was lying in bed, watching the rain soak the dense brush beside my small cabin, and it struck me that one of two things need to happen. Either this is the time to end the blog altogether, or it’s time to get honest about what’s really going on. My first two months in Hawaii have not been as glamorous as I’d like them to have been. In fact, they’ve proved far more challenging than I ever expected. It’s difficult to admit that. I approached this move with a lot of optimism. I still retain that optimism, but I have to laugh and remind myself daily that it’s a lunatic who moves himself mid-treatment to a distant jungle island. So be it. Said lunatic is now on said jungle island, and I’m faced with two immediate options: to leave if I feel this environment cannot meet my needs, or to stay and work to make this place meet my needs better.

I’m moving into a new room here at Kalani today, a bright, spacious room just off the dining lanai, very close to the kitchen. The maintenance crew is painting it. The housekeeping team is cleaning it. I seem to have everyone at the retreat on a mission to protect my immune system. This week I also cut back my work schedule to three days of work instead of four. In a “Kalani intervention” last week, two of Kalani’s managers asked me to imagine a more ideal situation for myself, and to use that as the negotiation point. The first thing I asked for was more time and energy to devote to my true purpose here: healing. My energy, being limited, is precious. I conserve and budget in an effort to honor the day’s priorities. Right now I need to put those things that strengthen and energize me at the top of my priorities. The community responded not only with understanding, but a few raised eyebrows. “Well duh,” seems to be the common response. “Take care of yourself.”

So the weight of responsibility falls on my shoulders. Haha! I’ve been given a new, clean, contained space. I’ve been given time and the blessing to care for myself. I don't know if it will wokr out here, but if I'm going to try, it requires a commitment on my part. So here goes, before Jah and man. (This is even hard for me to write!) I commit to practicing yoga twice a week and connecting to/strengthening my body every day. I commit to writing again daily, and posting an (honest) blog each week. I commit to practicing the guitar daily, and to using my energy to share both my love of music and love of theatre. Most of all, I commit to being disciplined and skilled at caring for myself, listening to my body, giving it what it needs to heal, and letting go of what it does not need anymore.

If you’re reading this, if you’re still somehow along for the ride as it shifts and grows, hold me accountable, okay? Thanks.