Exploring My Options

I had a conversation tonight that left me rather bugged. I sat next to a man at dinner who identifies himself as a shaman—a healer—a great guy I’ve gotten to know casually since I’ve been at the Big Island retreat. We went a little more in depth tonight, discussing the mind and quantum physics and what vast, uncharted terrain has been left untouched by science regarding the mind’s power. He believes that one is completely, entirely capable of healing oneself. He quoted several examples that were familiar to me, instances where miraculous healing had taken place. This concept isn’t new to me. One of the first days I was hospitalized, nurse Gigi brought me a gift, a copy of Deepak Chopra’s “Quantum Healing,” which outlines an alternative (or complimentary) thought process to western medicine’s approach to healing, centered on the power of the mind. Up until now, I’ve been searching for ways to incorporate mental meditation, focus and control to assist in my healing. But now it seems I’m stepping into new territory, the possibility that I might be capable of entirely healing myself.

This is a terrifying conversation. Rightly so, it’s a conversation that stirs up heated emotions for almost everyone, and everyone has a strong opinion about what is right and what is wrong, or rather what is possible. I’m not quitting chemotherapy tomorrow. Nor am I demonizing it. Far from it. I have deep gratitude for what it has done for me. But I have begun to investigate options, all options. It frightens me to even contemplate doing this. My doctors believe strongly that if I discontinue chemotherapy at this stage, the cancer which we have worked into remission will most certainly come back, more aggressively. To end it now would be reckless. This paradigm has bothered me for a while though, because it is steeped in fear, fear that if I don’t continue this harsh treatment, I risk everything. I have never believed in taking action in my life out of fear, yet I find myself doing it now. So I am beginning to search for alternatives, different belief systems, healing techniques, nutrition and those who understand the practice of self-healing.

Nonetheless, I was peeved big time by my conversation with this man. I was curious to know more about shamanism one day, after hearing the word used so often. Contrary to what I had thought, a shaman is defined as one who has, simply put, healed herself or himself, and is thus capable of leading others through the healing process. Suddenly, my mind began to cast doubt on many of the supposed ‘shaman’ I have encountered: well intentioned, but lacking the crucial element, self-healing. As a wise woman once told me, “God save us all from the healer that hasn’t first healed himself.” It is relatively easy for a person to sit across a dinner table and tell me that I don’t need chemotherapy, that I am capable of doing the job on my own. What they lack, however, is a true grasp of the risk involved in taking that step. I’m no dummy. I haven’t come this far to send myself plummeting towards an early grave. But I am a firm believer in the miraculous and grossly underestimated healing power of our mind, our body, our spirit. Ultimately, it is my decision. I sit alone with the risk. And ultimately, I will choose what I feel is right for me. But in the meantime, I think I may be a little more picky about who I sit next to at dinner.