Back to the Future

Greetings from sunny Las Vegas! My counts were too low to start chemo, for the third week in a row, so I decided to pass another week of waiting by taking up a friend’s generous offer of a condo and pool to relax by, just off the strip. It’s nice to have a vacation. It’s been at least a year since I lounged by a pool. It’s a little scary to leave everything that has become so familiar behind: my doctors, my bed, my medicines and special foods for when I get nauseous. I have to trust that no matter what happens on vacation, I can take care of myself.

It’s been several weeks since I’ve written. Don’t worry. It isn’t you, it’s me. I found out two weeks ago that I’ll need to receive treatment for two and a half more years (roughly December 2009), not one and a half, like I had thought. Whether an oversight on my part or a matter of miscommunication, the added ‘year’ came as a shock. While the ‘big stuff’ is finally over, I’ll still be in chemotherapy for what seems like a long time. It’s entirely uncertain how I will react to the new phase of chemo and whether I’ll be ill and nauseous or energetic and spry. The new drugs might not be as potent as the old ones, but my body is still very tired and weak from this beating, and it’s hard to tell how much it will be able to recover while continuing treatment. Some doctors have said my energy should start to increase after four or five months of maintenance; others insist that I shouldn’t expect a great amount of energy until at least a year after finishing the entire treatment. Regardless, it makes contemplating the next step a tricky thing.

Originally, I made the decision to move back to New York in the very early stages of treatment. I had little idea about what to expect, and New York felt slightly more like ‘home’ than Utah. At this point, understanding much better what the past year has asked of me, and gauging what the next several years will continue to ask of me, I’m not ready to take on the Big Apple’s marathon pace yet. This process has constantly forced me to reconcile what I would like with what reality has given me. I would like to have energy. I don’t. I can either fight that (which I’ve done) or I can embrace that. Embracing the current state of my body and health has been a difficult but liberating step. I find that reality, rather than expectation, is a much more honest way to approach my life. The truth is that healing and recovering are my top priorities right now, not graduate school and ‘moving on with my life.’ There is no moving on, only listening to and following the constant advice my body is giving me: lay down, rest, take it easy, go run up a mountain, now STOP! It is always communicating and, whereas before it needed to contend with a very controlling mind (which would not stop), it has taken over full navigation of my life at this point.

So I am staying put in Utah for now, and searching out what I will need in order to facilitate healing and strength conditioning over the next few years as I continue chemo. Again, as always, I have no idea what lies ahead. When I was told I had two and a half years of treatment left, I made a commitment to myself to not spend it dwelling in conversations about the ‘future.’ The future right now is as unreal as the thought that I could pick up my old life where it left off. It’s a nice thought, but it ain’t happening! I want to find happiness in the moment. I need to find true happiness now, not in a future that is constantly changing.

But for now, it all can wait. I’m on spring break and the pool is calling my name. Judd…Juuuuuudddd… Peace out fools.