Slowly Healing

I apologize that it’s been a little while since I last wrote. In truth, I’m not very eager to relive the last week or so. The pancreatitis which we thought was going away quickly turned out to be much more of a veritable foe than I first thought. As soon as I started back onto soft foods, my pancreas flared up again and I was quickly cut off from food or water again. Shortly after, a feeding tube was inserted into my intestine, bypassing my stomach and pancreas, the area that gets inflamed by food or water. From here, I can get liquid nutrition, something akin to Ensure, not enough to give me a lot of energy, but enough to sustain me as I fast. Tough as the process is, from there on out, there was little to do other than keep me off food and water (I’ve been off for over a week) and wait as my pancreas slowly healed itself. My time in the hospital was very taxing, mostly mentally, as I spent long days in the hospital with my only relief from the pain being morphine injections which I would receive fairly regularly. I was in too much pain to do much other than lie in bed and take small walks. But slowly (after what felt like an eternity) the pain lessened and I began to notice small improvements. Each day, I would require less and less morphine, signaling that my pancreas was finally beginning to calm down. My spirits were revived greatly when my friend Annika came to town to cheer me up. We spent the weekend in the hospital taking small walks, watching as many movies as we possibly could, and laughing with each other about life, our silly plans for the future, and our complete inability to control any of it.

This process is baptism by fire. There’s no other way to describe it. I feel as though my body has entered a harsh crucible, slowly melting down all parts of me and exposing a core: rough, hardened, but also strong and resilient. I am inspired by a passage I read in a book recently: Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us.

I am finally out of the hospital as of yesterday. I am still limited to a feeding tube and not allowed to eat or drink anything. My pancreas has a ways to go before it is fully healed, but it is also imperative that I begin the third round of chemotherapy as soon as possible, before the leukemia has a chance to metastasize. Hopefully this will happen within a few weeks. My timetable has once again been pushed back greatly, but I’m learning to forgo my attachment to an ‘end date.’ My body will be ready when it is ready. That much has been made very clear to me over the past few weeks. Peace and love to you all.