A Disclaimer

If you’ve reached this site, you’re probably either an ex-boyfriend of mine, trying to dig up some dirt on my past, a potential employer trying to find out if I’m any sort of a credible employee, a Rwandan performance artist trying to remember improvisation exercises, or you could just be someone trying to figure something out about Mormonism and its queer spawn. What you’ve landed on however, are the often scattered and fairly raw musings of a 25 year old dude who just happened to be hit with a cancer that by all standards shouldn’t have hit. It did. This blog began simply as a way for my closest friends and family to communicate crucial information at the early stages of my diagnosis in July 2006 to multitudes of adoring admirers scattered throughout the world. I get around. It evolved into something more, an opportunity for me to try to articulate myself as I began a process that felt indescribable. It still does, but coaxing from siblings, gentle reminders from friends, and a stubborn inability to step down from a challenge kept me returning every few weeks to my laptop computer, to try to push something out of me, something that made some sort of sense of all of this, this pain, this endless despair, this radiant crucible.

The entries run backward chronologically, the first the last and last the first, etc. The blog ended almost as abruptly as it began, on the day I decided to end chemotherapy treatment, two years after starting. Since then, I’ve had requests for updates, but it doesn’t feel appropriate. There is something about the finite stop, the end punctuation, that feels imperative in telling this story. The story isn’t over, but this chapter is, and god-mother-fucking-damn-it if that isn’t relief I’ve been waiting a long time for.

With all my heart,

Judd